Halloween is gross, and so am I

We’re one day from Halloween, my most favorite holiday of the entire year! I also like Christmas, but for completely different reasons.

Have you ever noticed that gross things come out at Halloween? We decorate with bugs, bats, and brains, among lots of other weird, gross things. I can’t even tell you how many Halloween parties I’ve been to that offered dismembered fingers as appetizers and cemetery cake as dessert.

So, since it’s the gross season, let’s talk about something gross: body odor.

I have it, you have it, it’s a thing for most of us.

I sweat a lot when I’m nervous and/or in a hurry, basically the worst possible times to be sweaty. My entire life I’ve relied heavily on deodorant to make sure I’m not completely stank, like most of us. The problem is that normal deodorant and antiperspirants are full of gross and potentially harmful components. Things like parabens, aluminum (yes, like in cans) and fragrances and irritate the sensitive skin under your arms, and that’s the least of the potential problems. These ingredients can cause everything from problems with hormones to various forms of cancer. While there’s no definitive link between these chemicals and cancer, and I realize that almost everything we come in contact with is bad for us in some way, I try to avoid this stuff whenever possible.

So, I’m on the natural deodorant train, like so many others. I never thought I’d be one of those people, but then I walked by a Lavanila deodorant in TJ Maxx that was half price. For a discount, I’ll try almost anything. I had heard about armpit detox, where your pits basically get used to not being blocked by chemicals, but I didn’t think it was a big deal.

I was wrong.

I started this experiment over the summer when I didn’t have air conditioning and it was hot (because summer) and I was going to a lot of events, mostly in sleeveless tops and dresses. Dumb. So dumb. It’s not all bad though.

Pros: In the tube, it smells really good. This scent is warm and tropical and I thought it would be great for summer. The packaging is pretty; not that it matters, but it’s pleasing to the eye. It goes on smoothly and doesn’t stain my clothes or leave white marks. It doesn’t get weird and crumbly after being open for a while.

Cons: LITERALLY EVERYTHING ELSE. Deodorant has one job: to keep me from stinking, and this doesn’t do that. The minute I start to sweat I smell like… tropical onions. It’s been more than two months and it’s gotten a little better, but I still smell kind of bad. This deodorant also doesn’t keep me dry, so my poor armpits have been swampy and irritated for weeks. I’ve also started to notice some discoloration, especially when I haven’t shaved in a few days. And they’re so itchy. Do not like.

Oh, and the normal price for this is $14. FOURTEEN AMERICAN DOLLARS.

I’m not normally cheap, and it’s pretty easy for me to justify spending more money on basic hygiene products because, you know, hygiene. My usual Dove deodorant is under $5. I’m essentially spending three times more to smell worse. How does that make any sense?

I bought a sample of Lavanila’s “sport” deodorant to see if it’s any better. It’s supposed to have some kind of advanced stink fighting powers, but I’m skeptical. It’s coming with me on my next trip home because I’m just hanging out with my family, so I guess we’ll see.

Are you on the natural deodorant wagon? If you like what you use, please, for the love of all that’s holy, give me recommendations. Dan and my armpit skin will thank you.


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